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Humor
Click cartoon to see more - Copyright Gospel Communications International, Inc
Click cartoon to see more - Copyright Gospel Communications International, Inc
A Blonde Christmas
Two blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.
The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren't even distracted!
Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let's just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"
Early Shopping
It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant.
"That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy.
"How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?"
"Before the store opened," replied the defendant!!
Where is God?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"
God Will Save Me
There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.
The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."
The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.
An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.
Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"
Honk the Horn
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling
toward a female pedestrian. She was a blonde and seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked
up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and
stopped.
I rushed to the blonde's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what
could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."
The Big Presentation
Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales rep went to a psychiatrist. "I'll implant
a hypnotic suggestion in your mind," said the shrink. "Just say 'one-two-three,' and you'll give the presentation
of your life. However, do not say 'one-two-three-four,' because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool
of yourself."
The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work, and got
a standing ovation. Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to
start. The sales rep whispered under his breath, "One-two-three."
Then the CEO asked, "What did you say 'one-two-three' for?"
Aging is a Matter of Perspective - story by Michael D. Bettler
Everyone has been guilty of looking at another's age and thinking, "Surely I cannot look that old." I'm sure
you've done the same. If so, you may enjoy this short story.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which
bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall boy with the same name had been in my high school class
some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1957."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire
A contestant on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next
question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000
milestone money.
As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover: "Which of the following species of
birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?"
Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used
up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and
the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew
would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and
giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was
a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with
such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer,"
said Regis.
"C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is ... absolutely correct. You are
now a millionaire!"
A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had
helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to
know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with
your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Go ... before you play - a true story submitted by Jonathan
A few years ago I was coaching an indoor soccer team. We were hanging out by the field we were to play on
because there was less than a minute left in the game that was being played on that field. The team we were to
play was also standing there.
One of the players on the opposing team said to his team mates, "I have to go to the bathroom really bad!"
One of his team mates replied, "Hurry up and go, the game's almost over."
The kid who had to go (and didn't realize anyone else was listening) said, "No, not number one ... number two!!!
There isn't time."
I couldn't resist the opportunity so I said to him, "Well, you better not run around too hard or you might get
pooped out!"
He instantly turned red as his team mates laughed.
Heading East - a "supposedly" true story found on the Internet
I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided
to stop at a rest stop. The first stall in the bathroom was occupied,
so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than
I heard a voice from the next stall:
"Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway
rest stops, and I really don't know quite what
possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:
"Not bad."
And the stranger said:
"And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to
think this was too weird! So I said:
"Well, just like you I'm driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call
you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all
the questions I am asking you."
How to Photograph a New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Fix yourself a glass of iced tea.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with iced tea and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
The Pirate
One day a pirate and a waitress were talking to each other at a restaurant. The waitress asked the pirate "Where did
ya get that peg leg from?"
The pirate responded "We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit
off me leg."
Later the waitress asked "Where did you get that hook then?"
The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."
The waitress then asked "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"
The pirate said, "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."
The waitress was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"
The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."
Seven days ... - a true story submitted by Jonathan
I was visiting my brother and sister-in-law and after giving my sister-in-law a hug she said, "You smell good;
smells like fabric softener." I was wearing two shirts and I said something about one of them just being washed.
My ten year old nephew, Benjamin, pipes up and said, "Yeah, and you probably didn't wash the other one for like seven or eight
days."
I couldn't resist the opportunity so I said to him, "Well, you know what they say ... seven days without washing makes
one reek!" He got this inquisitive look on his face for a second but then he couldn't stop laughing.
Dirty Toothbrush - a true story by Mike Brown
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I
fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and
came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet a few days ago."
Sports Trivia
We had just finished a great barbecue meal and the bunch of us were relaxing in the living room of our friends
country home.
Our two kids, both about 11 years old, were playing with a box of children's trivia cards. I said I would ask them
the questions, taking the cards from them. We had gone back and forth a few times and it was now our friends' son's
turn.
His question read, "What is the name of the player between second and third base?" He and his father are avid
baseball fans, so I figured ths was a cinch.
He sat thinking the longest while, then began to tap his knee with drumming fingers. I repeated the question and
waited a while longer. He twisted his face and eventually his eyes rolled to the back of his head. By this time,
we are all gawking at him in total surprise, or maybe disgust! Finally, I ask him for his answer, and after
another long while, he looks around the room and then looks back at me and says, "Harry?"
The Date
A young man was going out on a date with a girl he had met at a social gathering. His parents were not fond of this
girl and in fact were praying about their son's relationship with the girl and did not feel it was right. They prayed
that God would do something to stop the relationship if it was not right.
For lunch this young man's mother fed him hot dogs and baked beans for lunch because he loved them so much. He had extra
helpings because he had missed out on breakfast that day.
The time came for him to go out on his date and he was all excited. He busied himself getting ready for his date and his
stomach started to rumble. He dismissed this because he knew he was nervous about the date.
After he picked up his date he headed off toward the movie theater where they would be watching a nice comedy. Then it hit
him ... he realized what the stomach grumblings were ... GAS!! He had to pass gas but did not want to gross his date out.
He wasn't sure what to do ... then he came up with a plan.
He said to his date, "Hey, do you want to hear my new horn???" Without waiting for an answer he pounded on the horn
and passed gas at the same time.
Fortunately his timing was right on ... unfortunately the horn didn't work.
Complicated
A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning
brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air,
which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?"
Helping Hand
A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house
across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly
across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over
and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
Hey Dad! Watch This!... - a true story found at http://www.family4life.com
A while back my son wanted to show me something funny early in the morning. He had just woke up and was sitting on
the foot of my bed. He got up on all fours like a dog, arched his back and said, "Hey Dad, watch this!". Then,
with a big smile on his face, he made a sound like he was grunting. Suddenly his smile turned to a frown. That's
when he said, "I think I pooped."
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